OK so you waited 10 mins to get your beer and got slightly pissy because that guy just walked up to the bar and got a drink and you’ve been here 5 mins already. But now it doesn’t matter you’ve paid for your beer and your mission is to walk through this crowd without spilling your beer. (Disclaimer: If your beer was poured in a plastic cup, do not attempt the following maneuvers)
You turn around with your clear bottle in hand and you see nothing but people eager to bump into you and knock into your beer and if your lucky, spilling it on your shirt not all over the floor. You stare into the crowd like a running back who’s been passed the ball looking for the first hole to slip into, you find it and its game time. Here are three moves to get you safely through the crowd and keep your shirt and shoes dry.
1. The Statue of Liberty
For this move angle your body to the side and raise your bottle in the air high above anyone’s head. Make sure you are using the arm that you are not leading with so to leave your lead arm free to swat away any potential dancers and potential bumps that could lead to disaster. Make a B line for target area and go for it.
Disclaimer: if you have sweaty pits, do not attempt this. If you are under 5’5″ do not attempt this because there’s always that one too tall guy getting all the ladies that’s going to get a beer bottle to the mouth.
2. The Pledge of Allegiance
For this move first take a sip or two from your beer then take your bottle and place it up to the middle of your chest with your back arm and use that free lead arm to dart through the crowd. If you want added protection, insert your thumb into the top of the bottle. Don’t get over zealous with this move, as it may end up on your shirt and and trust me a beer stain on your shirt in the middle of a bar, is the quickest way to end up alone in the corner holding up the wall. Once you have that beer tightly tucked into your chest and you are navigating through the crowd with your lead arm, don’t be afraid to use your back elbow to give that one guy that’s trying to get around you a gentle nudge to say hello I have a $10 here, so fogetaboutit.
3. The Chicken Wing
For this move angle your body to the side again and tuck your beer around your arm pit. Again use your free arm to navigate through the crowd. When you see that overly happy crowd of people, take your free arm put it on top of your beer, lower your head and charge through that crowd like the Kool Aide man.
Disclaimer: if your hair is gelled and hair sprayed, skip the Kool Aide man since you hair is bound to end up with those white hairspray flakes that look like dandruff.
That’s it, those are the three most successful moves to get you and your overpriced beer back to your destination safely. With these moves you’re sure to be Emmitt Smith of beer, so stay thirsty but stay different.